Vulnerability Versus Neediness

A couple weeks ago, my partner and I got into a disagreement. 

It felt like everything I was saying was falling on deaf ears. I was communicating my needs and wants, but they were routinely going unfulfilled. It felt like he didn’t want to be inconvenienced by my emotions. 

I was frustrated.

We have both, at length, discussed the importance of vulnerability and authenticity in emotional connection. Didn’t he see he was shutting my vulnerability down? It all felt so hypocritical. 

When I get in my head, I often find silence terribly unproductive. My brain just fills the space with a heightened level of rumination. In those moments, playing episode after episode of Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard is the only thing that will give my mind a break from itself. 

On this particular day, I was listening to a recent episode with guest Vanessa Marin, a prominent psychotherapist who specializes in sex therapy. And luckily for me, the conversation shifted to something I simply had never thought of before: the fine line between vulnerability and neediness.

As the debate unfolded, the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn’t, in fact, being vulnerable. I was being needy — really fucking needy. 

I was laying out demand after demand, and when they weren’t satisfied, I’d respond by laying out some more. Then, to my embarrassment, I had the audacity to berate my partner for not giving me the space to be vulnerable. 

What a mess. 

With my tail between my legs, I apologized to him later that night and outlined my realization. I had been using the facade of vulnerability to get what I wanted. “More of this, less of that” under the guise that I was just “telling him how I felt” — meanwhile a hidden request or direction was bubbling under the surface. 

But vulnerability isn’t about making demands; it’s about being seen. 

Neediness is expecting someone else to complete you. 

Vulnerability is sharing your full and complete self with someone else. And that is so much more beautiful. 

That conversation prompted what I hope will be a permanent shift in how we approach vulnerability. Instead of going into it with an agenda of what I want out of our conversation, I’ve made a commitment to going in with the mindset of “how can I make this person better understand my view of the world?” 

And honestly, the first few days of taking a crack at this were a complete failure. 

As someone who is often optimistic to a fault, I naively believed that making this switch would be easy. The truth is that I’ve just been getting so many “needy” reps in that that’s my default right now.  

But I’m trying again. I know these things take practice — I’ll get there. 

So now I’ve moved on to Plan B — a structured approach to meet my new goal.

How? 

1. Self-reflection: journaling about my thoughts and feelings (what’s the root cause of the issue? What’s my gut reaction? How do I see myself moving forward?)

2. Seeking support: talking to my therapist or coach for sound and balanced guidance (am I being reasonable? How can I communicate this to my partner respectfully? What additional support can I tap into?)

3. Communicating openly, without expectations: checking in with my partner about both his and my experience (what’s the best way for each of us to move past this? What can we do individually and collaboratively?)

4. Holding each other accountable: inviting my partner to be the accountability police, calling out when the needy/vulnerable line has been crossed 

In short, more reflecting before writing out an insatiable list of demands. 

My hope is that this is a more empowering (for me) and less burdensome (for him) approach to problem-solving.

Let’s see how it goes.