Turns Out I’m Soft AF (Sometimes)

During my last relationship, my emotional health was a mess. 

I was insecure, anxious, and constantly on edge. I cried on most days and spent every waking minute in my head about us. 

It sucked and, most importantly, I didn’t feel like myself. Maybe this is someone’s normal, but it wasn’t mine. 

The good news is that, almost immediately post-break-up, my mood swings softened and I returned to what felt like my normal level of daily emotional movement. The people closest to me—my mother, friends, and acquaintances—consistently remarked on how much lighter I looked and seemed. 

It felt so nice—a homecoming journey that went on for two years too long. 

But recently, after a series of small events that joined forces to shake my heart, I’ve been feeling emotionally vulnerable again. 

Truthfully, when I first noticed my softness resurfacing, I tried to shove it down. I had worn my emotional stability like a badge of honor for the last 8 months. It had also acted as living proof that my ex and I had made the right decision in ending our union. 

So, I reacted with resistance and denial, which ultimately turned to frustration when I found myself unable to control the tears streaming down my face when I was out with a few girlfriends for dinner on the weekend. 

It felt hard and icky and weak to welcome the instability back.  

And yet, I realize now, that it’s not okay not to. I have to find a way to love and accept these more unpredictable parts of myself. 

This might be my hardest task in self-love (a fact that was pointed out by one of my best friends that night at dinner when the waterworks had finally ceased).

If I’m being honest, part of me hates that. Part of me wants to stay in control and be resistant. A big part.

But I also know that my path to peace involves trusting my mind and body. Those emotions, in all likelihood, are powerful signals—like sensors on a car—that something is off. Shying away from them is akin to wishing a superpower away. 

Awareness is the first step. Now comes the rest. 

The good news is that I know I can do it. I know that I can do hard things.