The Toxicity of Blame Avoidance & How to Fight it

If you get 50 people in a room to tell their side of a breakup, chances are that 49 will spin a tale about how they were wronged, mistreated, or misunderstood. 

It’s just human nature. 

Why? Since emotional discomfort is a side effect of admitting fault, our brains tend to use blame-shifting as an unconscious defense mechanism in an attempt to nip undesired feelings such as guilt, shame, and sadness in the bud. 

The trouble is that constantly avoiding accountability is detrimental — both to our own personal development and to our relationships. Not only does it prevent us from learning from our mistakes and growing, but it’s also well-documented that the practice of blame-shifting tends to lead to feelings of powerlessness, hatred, and resentment, thus leading to lower life satisfaction and strained relationships. 

So, how do we rise above this phenomenon? 

The good news is that the first step to addressing this issue is to acknowledge that this is a bias we all inadvertently fall prey to (check).

Next comes the hard part — learning how to fight it. 

While coaches and psychologists employ a myriad of tactics to fight the blame cycle, they typically tend to fall under the umbrella of developing and tapping into compassion for yourself and others. 

For example, life and career coach Manuela Pauer suggests pausing and asking yourself the following 3 reflection questions when this situation arises: 

1. “What can I be responsible for in this situation?”

2. “What have I been unwilling to accept in this situation up until now?

3. “What action can I now commit to in this situation?”

The natural result of this practice is that, by forcing ourselves to hold accountability, a sense of empowerment and control is returned and frustration towards others is reduced. 

My partner, who has also been working against blame-shifting for many years, employs a similar tactic. 

Whenever he catches himself in a blaming-the-other-person spiral, he first stops himself and thinks about what exactly he is blaming them for. Once he identifies the “charge”, he then forces himself to build a case proving the opposite. 

For example, the other day I handed him a deliverable (we work together) that was subpar. Knowing it’s out of character for me to not be thorough with a task, his brain immediately went to “If she’s giving me this sloppy work, it must be because she doesn’t realize how important this project is or care about its success”.

Step 1: Pause. 

Step 2: He acknowledges the charge: I (his girlfriend) don’t care about his project.

Step 3: He collects evidence to the contrary: I’ve done a lot of good, hard work for this client over the last two months and have been a sounding board whenever he has needed it. I had never done the kind of task he asked me to do and was working off incomplete information, which is likely why I didn’t give him what he wanted. 

As simple as it sounds, the vast majority of the time this exercise alone is enough to diffuse the tension and release a good share of anger. 

Now, it’s obviously not easy to do all the time. Sometimes, it takes blowing up or months of resentment-building to even realize we’re in a blame spiral. But even realizing it on occasion and working on increasing the frequency of catching ourselves in the act will lead to positive results over time (and healthier relationships).

Other times, it can be hard to build a case in favor of the other person (and certainly not always the right answer, such as when abuse or other unforgivable behavior are present). But when you find yourself in a blame spiral that you think should be addressed and are having trouble building evidence “for” the other person, talking it out is always best — they’ll likely be able to build their own case quite easily. The key is being level-headed and receptive in these moments.