The Relationships Book You NEED to Read

“I really wish this book had been written when I was in my 20s,” my Mom said as she handed me Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love.

I was skeptical at first. Given the unique and complex nature of relationships, I found it hard to believe that I’d gain much insight into my current and past romances from a flimsy 250-page book. 

But at the time I happened to be in a relationship transitional period — learning to coexist with a new partner whose resemblance to my previous partner of 5 years hovered pretty close to 0%. 

What the Hell — it was worth a shot, I figured. 

And boy am I happy to have given this nifty read a chance. 

The sheer amount of insights and teachings from the book that managed to resonate with me far exceeded my expectations — so much so that I had my partner and several friends (whether they were single or in relationships) read it as well. .

The gist is that the majority of our relationship behavior can be pinned down to three attachment styles (secure, anxious, or avoidant), and knowing which one you and your partner (or prospective partners) fall into provides tremendous clarity on why we act the way we do. 

Here’s the overview:

• Secure: “people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving”

• Anxious: “people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back”

• Avoidant: “people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness”

So, how does knowing this information help? 

As eloquently said by psychologist Nathaniel Branden,“The first step toward change is awareness.” 

Identifying the category you fall into plays a huge role in shining a spotlight on the decisions we make day-to-day when it comes to intimacy. Instead of being on autopilot, falling back to our instinctive reactions, being armed with this information gives us a new choice: do I go along with my usual pattern, or is there a healthier decision I can make for the sustainability of my relationship? 

From there, you then have the foundation set to challenge your insecurities and foster a more secure level of attachment — building stronger and more stable relationships in the process. 

My partner’s experience paints a good picture of how this works in action. As an avoidant, his general tendency is to push away when intimacy starts to feel suffocating. Up until reading Attached, he didn’t pause to question why that happened — he just went through with whatever his gut was telling him to do. 

But identifying with the avoidant behavior outlined in the book changed everything (and contributed greatly to his ability to stay in a stable relationship). He is now hyper-aware of the distance he instinctively tries to put between us and why he’s doing it. That then enables him to make a different decision — if he wants to. 

In my case, it helped to explain a lot of my outsized reactions when my bids for connection — checking in via text, planning a date, etc. — weren’t being met. While the first thought that occurs in these moments is generally some variety of “He must not be into this anymore,”  with greater and greater consistency I’m able to quiet my anxious mind simply by acknowledging that this is just my attachment style talking – it’s not the truth. 

It also helped us pinpoint where some of our challenges originated, allowing us to work on them from the ground up (a practice that is very much still in progress). For example, finding a frequency of communication that works for both of us has been a challenge. Predictably, I lean towards more consistent communication while my partner prefers less. Understanding our natural tendencies — which have nothing to do with the level of commitment or love we each feel — has enabled us to work towards a compromise that works for both of us.