The Fear That’s Been Running My Life

And my relationships.

My most deep-rooted fear is that of being alone. 

So, I’ve spent most of my life figuring out how to avoid that possibility. Striving to connect with people who I have very little common ground with. Overextending myself to my loved ones. Making myself small in relationships to avoid causing problems and lessen my chances of being left. 

In some fucked up way, I’ve equated people liking and depending on me to being loved. And if more people loved me, I reasoned, I’d feel less alone.

Obviously, that’s not how this situation has played out. 

In my pursuit of being adored, I ended up suppressing my true self—and thus my ability to be happy—to win others’ approval. 

This isn’t necessarily a new revelation. I’ve known for quite some time that I feel more comfortable in people-pleasing mode because I have valued being liked over being authentic. 

But the gravity of how much avoiding loneliness has affected my life finally—for the first time—hit me when it (in part) cost me my most important relationship.  

My partner and I had always had struggles. We were two people who loved each other very much but had vastly different world views. 

Though I didn’t fully realize it when I was in it, I desperately wanted to win over his love and approval. 

And the best way to do that, I thought, was simply to be needed. I convinced myself that the answer to my insecurities was to become indispensable in every way. 

So, what did I do? I strove to be his best friend, his lover, his colleague, his dance partner, his roommate. I sought to integrate into his life by seeing his friends and family almost as much as he did and taking up his interests (I know this sounds pathetic).   

Unsurprisingly, acting like that sacrificed my happiness and left him feeling suffocated. It backfired in the worst way possible. 

My fear also impacted my (unhealthy) reaction to conflict—another new revelation. 

In Radical Self Responsibility: A Practical Guide to Extraordinary Relationships, the authors outline three distinct patterns of reactivity:

1. Moving towards (compliance)

2. Moving against (aggression/control)

3. Moving away from (protection) 

Naturally, my tendency is to comply. Giving in, to my irrational mind, seemed like the surest path to attaining that deeper love and acceptance I so badly craved. 

And the cycle continued. 

What’s Next?

Truth be told, I’m terrified for this next part of the journey. 

Working on finding my authentic self and advocating for those needs will require putting aside my long-standing drive to people-please. It also may result in the loss of some people close to me who had come to know and like that masked version of me. 

So, in some ways, I fear being healed from this—much like when I was terrified of recovering from my disordered eating because I didn’t want to gain weight. 

But, like then, I know I have to do it to be happy and healthy.

The “how” is the next challenge. 

The process of finding myself, I’m sure, will involve many switchbacks and wrong turns. 

But this is where I’m starting:

1. Therapy: I have an appointment scheduled to talk to a therapist who I’m hoping can specifically help me with this challenge

2. Personal growth program: I’ve found a growth-oriented program that will (hopefully) prompt some long-awaited breakthroughs

3. Reading: I’m reading books, including Radical Self Responsibility, that offer guidance on the topic

4. Journaling: I’m journaling obsessively and finally asking myself some tough questions I’d been avoiding for far too long

5. Meditating: truth be told, I’ve been meditating to check a box. Now, I’m deepening my practice and it has become an important staple and grounding exercise in my day  

Let’s see how this goes.