Quit Rejecting Yourself First

A few months ago, a friend of mine gave me some valuable career advice: always take the opportunity to tell people exactly what you want. 

It sounds obvious, but many of us don’t practice putting our desires out there. Sometimes, it’s because we’re afraid of rejection. At other times, we may be embarrassed at the loftiness of our dreams. 

But most people want to help—which they can do much more easily if given a blueprint with a specific request. 

When I was just beginning to consider a career transition from finance and psychology, the embarrassment of telling people I wanted to start over in a completely unrelated field weighed heavily on me. 

It took months for me to even voice my goals to my family and friends, let alone strangers I met networking or at social events. 

Eventually, however, through repetition I got over it. When you repeatedly do the thing you were scared of and see that your biggest fears—being ridiculed, belittled, pitied—don’t materialize, you build confidence and motivation to keep going. 

But there was one important person I was still scared to speak out to: my lovely relationship coach, Owen. 

It’s normal, I’m sure, to have the perspective that coaches, counselors, and therapists have everything figured out. And to some extent, even though that’s a completely false notion (as brilliantly laid out in Lori Gottlieb’s Maybe You Should Talk to Someone), it can be a necessary white lie we tell ourselves. Most of us would rather take relationship advice from the friend who seems happily married over the one who has bounced from shitty guy to shittier guy for years. 

Hence, my issue with opening up to Owen: in my mind, he had everything together. And as my coach for over a year, he very much knew that I did not. 

Keeping my mouth shut with him was fine. At the end of the day, most of our conversations revolved around love and dating, not my career. 

Until recently, that is. 

The program I’m hoping to attend next fall has a requirement that incoming students have volunteered or worked for at least a year in a related capacity—coaching, counseling, mentoring, and the like. Meaning I have to find a position ASAP. 

And Owen—given my love for his approach that beautifully blends traditional psychology with an Eastern, energetic approach—was my ideal person to work with and learn from. 

Basically, I wanted a job with him. 

Which meant:

1. I had to tell him what I wanted, and

2. I had to open myself up to rejection from someone I adore and admire

In short—not a comfortable situation. 

Luckily, my friend’s advice was lingering in the back of my mind. “Screw it,” I figured, “the worst that can happen is he says ‘no.’”

So, I took a deep breath and sent him a rambling message about how I’d love to work for him, would do anything he could use my help with, and no worries if that wouldn’t work logistically (mental note to be more firm and confident with my requests next time). 

I quickly muted my conversation with him and threw my phone halfway across the room. It felt like I had just asked my long-time crush on a date and I wasn’t sure how he’d respond. 

So, what happened? 

Well, Owen didn’t answer… for FIVE DAYS. 

Talk about keeping a girl in suspense. 

But then he shot back with, “I think your idea is brilliant.” 

Huge. Sigh. Of. Relief. 

I felt so silly for doubting whether I should’ve asked in the first place. A colossal weight had been lifted off my chest. And, more importantly, it has motivated me to keep reaching for the stars and asking for what I want moving forward. 

It was the ultimate testament to the age-old saying, “Don’t ask, don’t get.” 

It really can be as simple as that. 

The biggest disservice we can do ourselves is rejecting our own wants and desires before anyone else can. That may preserve our ‘dignity,’ but all we’re doing is guaranteeing ourselves a ‘no’ right off the bat.