Nice Guys Are My Type

Do you ever have those moments where you take a step back and go “Woah, woah — what the heck has been up with my decision-making until now?”

Well, I had one of those recently. 

Here’s the thing: ever since I began dating in my early twenties, I’ve had a notion that I’m not into nice guys. They just weren’t “my type,” I claimed. 

Me and millions of girls have felt this way. 

And that can be fine—but only if what you’re looking for is fun, good stories, and maybe some life lessons. 

The thing is, I haven’t been. For a while now, I’ve wanted to find a stable partner. Someone who I can build an exciting, beautiful, loving life with. 

And yet I’ve turned my back on men who treated me like gold in favor of people who left me feeling taken for granted. 

The truth is that my “list” of must-haves has been inconsistent with my relationship goals—an issue that is explored in this podcast episode (The Most Important Qualities to Look for in a Long-Term Relationship) from Matthew Hussey. 

Unfortunately, this is a common pattern. Instead of flipping these flaky guys off and going after a mature, stable love, often the hot-and-cold behavior can prompt us to stick around in order to try and prove ourselves. 

“I’m great! I’m what you’ve been looking for! I promise!” 

The whole thing is so unbelievably sad and pathetic (I say this with love after having lived it). 

But at the end of the day, these feelings and decisions all come down to the stories we tell ourselves. And it wasn’t until I stepped back from my most recent relationship that I began to feel the full weight of the stories I had been telling myself. 

Stories like: I need to be with this person in order to be successful. I won’t find anyone with whom I connect better. I’m not capable of being on my own. I don’t date sweet guys. 

We act like our preferences are set in stone but they’re not—it’s all just a bunch of made-up BS, really. 

Here’s a non-dating-related example:  

I used to have a story that I was anti-social. So I skipped hanging out with my friends, refused to try new things, and stayed firmly rooted in my comfort zone. 

In my early twenties, I decided that wasn’t working for me—I wasn’t happy. 

So, what did I do? I chose to act like someone who was very social; someone who had a demeanor that I admired. 

I started going out, making new friends, and trying new things. And though I was anxious at first, the contractions in my stomach slowly faded and I began to have the BEST FREAKING TIME. 

This allowed my new stories to become: I’m someone who is very social. I love people. I love making new connections. I love stepping outside of my comfort zone. 

What would have happened if I had stuck with my old story?? I’d be miserable. 

The same, I would imagine, applies to dating and relationships. 

So, in my 28th lap around the sun, I’ve decided to start telling myself some new stories about love. 

I’m into guys who are thoughtful. 

I’m into guys who bring me peace.

I’m into guys who are emotionally mature. 

I’m into guys who encourage me to be myself.

And finally, I’m into nice guys.