My Journey with Jealousy

I’m convinced that 99% of the time, jealousy is an internal problem. 

That certainly is the case for me. 

My partner has never given me a reason to be jealous. Truthfully, I trust him 100%. 

Nevertheless, for several months I was dealing with a bout of jealousy that became too big to ignore. 

It pissed me off. 

I’d spent the better part of 7 years working on feeling confident, especially around all things body image. 

As a result, I’d managed to reach a place where I genuinely felt comfortable — even lucky — to be living in my skin. 

So why the fuck was I jealous? 

It took far longer than I would’ve liked to realize that the coming and going periods of jealousy were brought on by one of two things: feeling unsuccessful in other areas of my life or feeling a lack of connection with my partner. 

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As I mentioned in last week’s post, jealousy hit me seemingly out of nowhere. Not only had I been relatively jealousy-free in other relationships but I also spent the first few months of my current relationship not sweating that kind of stuff. 

When it came around and I opened up to friends, they all told me that it came down to a lack of confidence — I should work on my self worth, body image issues, etc.

But that guidance never sat quite right. Why? Because I did feel worthy, comfortable in my body, and like a good catch. 

That said, there’s exactly zero downside to working on your confidence — which always has room for improvement — so I did just that. 

And, happily, with the help of my coach, therapist, and self-care regimen, my confidence did grow.  But my jealousy didn’t budge. 

It wasn’t until I got a new job that the root of my jealousy finally became apparent to me.

Some back story is necessary here. 

For four and a half years, I worked in a high-paying and stressful job in finance. And though I didn’t realize it at the time, holding that role gave me a sense of confidence that faded away when I left. 

After spending a few months traveling and picking up contract jobs here and there, I didn’t feel like the successful hustler I had been. That then snowballed into a “less than” feeling that, though career-related at its core, infiltrated other areas of my life too. 

Landing my new job and being restored that sense of purpose made me fully realize how much confidence and fulfillment I derive from working hard. And, finally, I began to feel the pain of jealousy begin to shift. 

Holy heck, was that ever unexpected. 

This same playbook has happened a few times since then. But the difference is that now, when I do feel jealousy begin to saddle up, I have the awareness to ask myself first and foremost if there are other areas of my life where I feel I’m falling short. That way, my efforts to address the jealousy can actually target the root of the issue and (hopefully) solve the problem more sustainably. 

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The other side of jealousy has to do with lacking connection. 

Of course, it’s great to feel confident in all aspects of your life, but if you don’t feel connected to your partner, jealousy can often set in regardless. 

But this type of jealousy, in my experience, manifests differently. 

Rather than being jealous of a “person of interest,” let’s call it, we are uniformly jealous of the recipients of our partner’s time. 

When I don’t feel prioritized and cared for, I’m ashamed to admit that I’m bitter towards the people I feel are receiving connection — whether that be my boyfriend’s family, friends, or colleagues.  

Knowing that I’m experiencing this specific type of jealousy also helps go right to the source. 

Reviving connection — which might involve having tough conversations with your partner, figuring out how to make each other feel more loved and appreciated, or consulting a couples’ counselor — is the remedy here.

 So, what are my takeaways through my journey with jealousy?

1. Dig into which kind of jealousy you’re experiencing and address it directly

2. Work on other areas of your life — do you feel you’re living up to your potential all-around?

3. Communicate openly and without expectation: “I’m feeling jealous right now, but I know it has more to do with my lack of professional fulfillment at the moment. I’m handling that and am not asking you to act differently, I just wanted you to know this is on my mind.”

4. Lay off the blame. Your partner is (probably) not the problem