I’ve Been a Bad Friend…

Last week, I found myself feeling frustrated and hurt. 

A close friend of mine, who lives in another city, was in town and hadn’t made the time to see me. 

I didn’t get it. I checked in several times, kept my schedule flexible and open, and expressed enthusiasm at connecting. So, why didn’t she want to see me? 

I came up with a number of reasons why, none of which turned out to be right. 

Lesson #1 here is to always vocalize your hurt feelings in relationships you value, because I had no idea she had been holding onto resentments and may never have found out if I hadn’t asked.

This is what happened. 

My previous relationship had been characterized by much volatility. As a result, it ate up a lot of my time and energy (which I willingly gave over).

When things were good, I wanted to soak it all up—be with him for every second, focused entirely on him. When things were bad, I either anxiously clung to him or sought sympathy and comfort from my friends. 

In short, I was acting selfishly—only going to my friends to seek care-taking while putting less and less energy into them for them. 

It was something I was vaguely aware of at the time and yet, I’m ashamed to admit, did nothing to address. 

Fast-forward to my break-up and things changed—I returned to a position where I had the energy to re-prioritize my friendships. It felt so good to reconnect with people I love and be free from the emotional turbulence that made prioritizing them hard. 

I thought that’s all I needed to do—just make an effort again. 

But I missed something important. I never acknowledged the fact that I neglected people who I love and never apologized to them. The truth is, in many ways I took their presence in my life for granted, thinking that if I just altered my behavior and put in a bigger effort then things would slip back to normal.

This incident was a good reminder that that’s not how things work. 

Obviously, it’s nice to lead from a place of grace-giving and forgiveness—especially when we know our friends are in hard situations. 

But apologies and owning up to mistakes matter. They show the people around us that we understand the consequences caused by our actions and are committing to do better. 

We can’t simply assume that our support circles just get it. It may seem obvious, but I’d be willing to bet that we all act from this naive place more often than we think.

So, I’m circling back, issuing apologies, and promising to do better going forward—regardless of what life throws at me. 

I’m so grateful to be surrounded and loved by people that are honest and hold me to a higher standard. 

I shudder to think about where I’d be without them.