I'm No Longer Vegan

I just ate meat for the first time in 7 years. 

That first bite of salmon marked the end of a long period of food restriction—one that I had carefully masked as a moral pursuit.

God, it’s uncomfortable to admit that. 

Let me rewind and explain what happened. 

Almost exactly 10 years ago, my battle with disordered eating began. 

As I’ve written about before, it started with me throwing up whenever I binged and slowly progressed into purging most of the meals that I ate. 

Then I got help. With the support of friends, family, and a lovely therapist, I was able to put the days of sticking my fingers down my throat behind me. 

What I haven’t talked about, however, is that I replaced throwing up with a socially acceptable form of food restriction—veganism.

Don’t get me wrong—there are lots of good, genuine, healthy, reasons to be vegan. As an animal-lover and environmentalist, I have thoroughly enjoyed the shift to conscious consumption that has taken place across society in recent years. 

But when someone struggles with their relationship to food and their bodies—as was my case—restriction can be dangerous. 

For me, it was a safety blanket. If I was going to a birthday party, I knew that I wouldn’t be tempted into eating cake because I wasn’t ‘able’ to. If my mom was making spaghetti for dinner, I had an incontestable excuse for why I had to bring my own ‘healthier’ meal. 

And for many years, that approach worked fine. I learned to cook staples I truly loved. I found all the best vegan restaurants in my city (and in many that I travelled to). 

That began to change when, all of a sudden, I started to get meat cravings for the first time in over 6 years. 

At first, I couldn't figure out why these thoughts were resurfacing after I'd found balance with my diet. Then, it hit me—I wasn't getting enough protein to keep up with my more intense lifting regimen.

After a lot of reflection, I decided that the best thing for my health would be to add some more diverse protein sources into my diet. I have chosen to prioritize listening to my body rather than listening to my disordered eating voice. 

I still intend on keeping plant-based staples stocked up and consuming animal products consciously. 

But I’m glad to be shedding the food restriction safety blanket. 

It’s another step towards a healthy relationship with eating that I needed to take.