I’m Back in Therapy

It’s been a few years and it feels so good to be back. 

After a particularly insightful conversation on relationship patterns with a good friend of mine last week, I finally realized that I needed to talk to a professional about the mess of thoughts swirling around in my head. 

I’ve always been a big fan of therapy, and think the world would be a much more peaceful place if everyone committed to working on themselves, at least for a period of time. But, for me, the sessions typically tended to feel unproductive if I didn’t have a clear goal in mind. 

Coming out of the chat with my friend, I finally had one (well two, actually). So back to therapy I went. These are them:

1. Learn to be okay with being disliked / abandoning excessive people pleasing

2. Learn to set a high bar for guys in dating and stick to it

Allow me to expand.

1.  Learn to be okay with being disliked / abandoning excessive people pleasing

It is, of course, natural to want to be liked. When we’re liked, we feel more protected and at ease in social situations, which is why a tendency to want to draw favoritism from those around us is both common and normal. 

But how far are you willing to go to be liked? Are you willing to lose your voice and, in the process, yourself? 

If I lined up all my friends, there are people with views and interests of every variety under the sun. A big part of me likes that—being close to people with wildly different lived experiences, knowledge, and viewpoints to you can be eye-opening as well as intellectually and emotionally stimulating. 

It can also require some shape-shifting. If I’m being honest, I do morph to some extent to fit into these different social groups. 

And maybe some of that is okay. But it can get tricky—particularly when I bring some of these opposing characters together. It can lead to conflict and judgment, which puts my body and mind in a state of stress. 

I have to get back to finding myself and answer these questions honestly: who am I and what do I believe? Who would stand by me if they knew those truths?

Enter the work. 

2. Learn to set a high bar for guys in dating and stick to it

I’m not someone who gets attached to romantic partners very easily. I’ve only ever been in love with two people and had feelings for maybe one or two more. 

But when I am in love, it’s this head over heels, all-consuming kind of love. 

It can feel nice and, at the end of the day, I’m happy that I’m able to experience those deep emotions.

It’s also dangerous. In my experience, loving someone has meant a total breakdown of my standards of treatment and boundaries. Being in love has meant being able to walk all over me. 

As is imaginable, this isn’t a sustainable or healthy way of being. Long-term partnership requires setting a high standard for a partner to meet and vice versa. It requires treating yourself with respect, first and foremost. Afterall, how can we expect others to respect us if we don’t respect ourselves? 

This one is harder to address while I’m single. But keeping it in mind and watching my behavior as I do enter relationships going forward will be key. 

It’s something that I know from past experience requires careful monitoring and honesty on my part (with myself). 

The motivation is there. The test of pairing that with action will come.