How to 'Choose Yourself'

Last week, I posted a note on Substack of a photo with the following quote: 

“If them not choosing you forced you to finally choose yourself, you win. – Unknown”

The post sparked an insightful conversation between a reader and me about what it truly means to 'choose yourself.'

The commenter brought up a touching point: when you lose the most valuable relationship in your life, what do you do? How do you 'choose yourself' when someone who occupied such a big part of your heart is no longer willing or able to show up for you?

Obviously, I don’t have all the answers. But after intentionally working on myself for the last few months, I’ve gained some insights and reflections that I’d like to share.

In my view, there are two journeys that we must embark on simultaneously to be able to fully choose ourselves. 

 Journey 1: Solo

Humans are relational. 

What that means is that we’ve evolved as social creatures that need love and support from other people. 

But that doesn’t mean that all of our joy comes from others. We all have hobbies, interests, and goals that are ours alone. Nurturing them is important. 

As I re-learn to prioritize myself, I've focused more on activities that bring me joy—like going to the gym and reading fiction—and investing in my future by dedicating more time and energy to this blog and preparing to return to school.

Learning to find happiness on my own and taking control of my future career have brought a sense of ease and fulfillment that I once relied on my 'other half' to provide.

 Journey 2: All your loves

Of course, being comfortable on your own is important, but that doesn’t mean the goal is to be completely content to live on a deserted island. Relying on, supporting, and loving others is a vital, life-affirming part of being human.

Regardless of how ‘independent’ you may be, losing someone you love is devastating and grief-inducing. 

And it’s important to recognize that there are many other people you love and many more people you will love in the future. 

By losing one person, you did not lose everything. If anything, you have more time and energy to pour your love into the other relationships around you. 

Building one person up in your head as your ‘everything’ only hinders your ability to move forward and share the unique gifts that only you can offer the world. 

So, today and all days, I’m choosing to keep practicing finding my own happiness, showing up for the people I love, and striving to become someone who will make my future self proud.