Conversations About Conversations

We all need to have more conversations about conversations. 

Sounds confusing, but this simple technique has proven effective time and again at addressing less-than-ideal patterns that I’ve had trouble solving. 

A classic example in the case of my relationship is that whenever I felt down or hurt, my partner would, as ever-the-problem-solver, try to alleviate my suffering with some matter-of-fact reason for why I shouldn’t be upset in the first place – a well-meaning yet ineffective response when I’m feeling vulnerable.

Lacking the emotional connection I was craving, I’d spiral further and proceed to retreat, causing him to feel rejected and lose patience, thus leading to even more hurt on my end, etc., etc.

You get the point – it’s obviously not a great way for those discussions to go. 

But changing a pattern is extraordinarily difficult, even once it’s been identified. And what’s even more difficult is changing said pattern in the moment.  

Luckily, my coach, Johnny, had just the solution for this issue. 

As he is well aware of both my and my partner’s commitment to growth and vulnerability, he suggested that we have a chat about exactly what we each feel and need at every point throughout difficult conversations – a practice he dubbed “conversations about conversations”. 

Here’s the playbook: 

• Pick a time when both parties are feeling at ease and up for the chat – i.e., when no one is in an emotional crisis

• Discuss the anatomy/pattern of the “difficult” conversation and address the “problem” points together

• Come up with a new game plan for the next time the scenario arises

• Try to remember/remind each other of your new approach in the moment

We gave it a go, and the results were incredible. 

Not only did sitting down to dissect the “problem chats” give us valuable insight into each of our experiences, but it also challenged us to think about why we tend to react the way we do and come up with solutions to alter course. 

For the “hurt-retreat” example above, analyzing the usual progression of the conversation together allowed me to realize and communicate that all I wanted in those moments was love and affection – i.e., If I’m crying, a hug will go further in crisis aversion than a list of reasons why I shouldn’t be upset in the first place 100% of the time. On his end, my partner was able to communicate that by me pulling away when I “retreated”, it sent him the message that I’m just trying to check out/give up – a takeaway that, previously, had never even crossed my mind. 

Breaking the pattern obviously hasn’t been easy by any stretch. But being armed with the knowledge of what the other person is feeling and what their needs are during those various pain points has helped a ton. 

Now, when I’m in the throes of an emotional hurricane, my boyfriend tries his best to remember to lead with emotional reassurance over rationality. And for mine, actively resisting the urge to pull away when my needs aren’t being met has strengthened the message that we’re both in it together, working things out as a team.