Choose Your Words Wisely

The words we use have tremendous power—power to either boost or diminish our confidence and sense of worth. 

And though many of us know this intuitively, we hardly ever pay conscious attention to how we talk about and to ourselves and others. 

That is changing—to some extent—with the power of manifestations gaining in popularity. Fortunately, through this movement many people have discovered the empowering impact of speaking highly of themselves. 

Writing, voicing, and repeating mantras like “I am confident, I am beautiful, I am happy and healthy” can be life-changing, but the truth is that it’s just one side of the coin. 

We also need to make a conscious effort to commit to ridding ourselves of harmful language as well. 

This is precisely where I found my mindset when I heard Mat Shaffer give an insightful talk on transformational language, through which he beautifully laid out five big, toxic words that we would all benefit from avoiding. 

Here they are: 

1. Have to/Need to

According to Mat, these two “need to” be wiped from our vocabulary. 

Why? They invoke a sense of powerlessness. We always (always) have a choice—acting like we don’t is inaccurate, limiting, and gives us an easy out. 

You don’t “have to” do anything—you either choose to or want to.

I choose to walk my dog. I want to make dinner to save money on take out. I choose to keep my home clean instead of living in a mess. I want to work so that I can pay my rent.  

Try this: Next time you’re speaking about your commitments or responsibilities, use “I get to” or “I’m blessed to” instead. 

I have to walk my dog later → I get to walk my dog later. 

2. Can’t

Our possibilities and choices are endless. In a similar vein to “have to,” saying we “can’t” do something gives the illusion that there isn’t a choice—but, again, there always is. “Can’t” is just another example of limiting, disqualifying language. 

It isn’t true that you “can’t” go out tonight—you are choosing not to. 

Try this: Own your choices. Instead of using the word “can’t” replace it with “I don’t want to” or “I won’t.”

I can’t go out tonight → I’m choosing to stay home tonight.

3. This makes me

One of the most powerful lessons that I’ve learned over the course of the last few months is that I am fully in charge of my experience. As the late actor John Wayne famously said, “I’m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.” 

We are all, ultimately, in charge of our emotions (read more about this in the phenomenal book Radical Self Responsibility). External stimuli don’t “make you” feel anything—your feelings are entirely determined by your past experiences, expectations, and assumptions. 

Try this: Own your experience. Instead of placing the blame on something external, just express yourself outright by using “I feel…”

It made me sad when you forgot to text me last night → I felt sad when you forgot to text me last night. 

4. Should 

When we place “shoulds” on ourselves and others, we are inevitably approaching the situation from a place of judgment and external expectation. 

The removal of “should” is important for when we’re both negotiating with ourselves and guiding others. 

Try this (to yourself): Removing “should” gives you another opportunity to own your choice and make a clear commitment (rather than a wishy-washy statement). “I will” or “I choose to” are more appropriate here. 

I should do yoga tonight → I will do yoga tonight. 

Try this (to others): No one likes to be told what to do. A softer approach than “shoulding” on someone, such as using “have you considered,” is game changing for leaders.

You should write for one hour a day → Have you considered writing for one hour a day? 

5. Try 

To say we’re going to “try” is a cop out—it’s a flaky, non-committal declaration.

As Yoda said, “Do… or do not. There is no try.” 

To be successful, we need to be willing to state our intentions with conviction.

Try (😜) this: Own your commitments. Replace “I will try” with “I will.”

I will try to hit the gym tomorrow morning → I will hit the gym tomorrow morning.  

Though these may seem small, a little can go a long way in altering our mindset. 

And given that we are with our brains for 100% of our lifetime, investing in and putting an effort into making it into a supportive, peaceful place is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.