4 Things I’ve Had to Let Go of to be a Better Partner

My boyfriend and I have had a bumpy ride. 

But after over a year of on-again/off-again, we’re finally coming up to one full year (!!) in a relatively steady relationship. 

That might not seem like a very long time, but for us it is. And achieving that milestone has taken a lot of work and a lot of unlearning — on both sides. 

Achieving stability and happiness in my relationship has required me to sort through and deal with baggage that, for a long time, I didn’t even realize were there.

Four big things jump out at me in particular. 

1. Jealousy

The truth is that jealousy is a a fucking cancer in relationships.

And to make matters worse, most of us attack it the wrong way. All too often we expect our partners to make changes to accommodate our jealousy — stop texting this person so much, stop hanging out with that person — when in reality jealousy is, more often than not, an internal issue. 

I genuinely believe that, in most cases, jealousy comes down to a lack of confidence. 

That certainly was the case for me. 

The annoying thing is that I’ve never considered myself a particularly jealous person. For at least a few years now, I’ve been relatively confident and at ease in myself and my person. But a few months ago, for the first time in my life, jealousy hit me like a freight train. And it sucked. 

So what did I do? All the unproductive stuff — I put demands, requests, and expectations on my partner. 

It took far too long for me to realize that none of that was going to help. In fact, it was harming our relationship.

Thankfully, it wasn’t too late by the time it sunk in that letting go of jealousy by working on my own confidence was the only way over this hurdle. 

1. Codependency

Unlike jealousy — which I was painfully aware of as I was dealing with it — my codependency went unnoticed by me for many, many months. If anyone had asked me if I felt I had an unhealthy reliance on my partner, I would’ve answered with an easy “no.”

But I did. 

For me, codependency manifested as an expectation I placed on my partner to stabilize my moods. Any time I was upset, frustrated, sad, jealous, or mad I put it on him to clean up the mess. 

The result? I felt powerless and he felt suffocated. An all-round disaster. 

Re-learning how to care for myself and utilize a wider support net has not only improved our relationship tremendously, but I also feel more empowered and independent than I have in a long, long time.

1. Trying to change him

I’m embarrassed to admit that, for the bulk of our relationship, I was treating my boyfriend as a project: someone I had to “fix.” 

That’s an exhausting and fruitless battle to be fighting day in and day out. 

Of course, we all can (and should) learn from each other. We can also, hopefully, influence the people around us in positive ways. He has certainly played that role for me.

But forcing change on someone who doesn’t want to change is an entirely different story. 

Not only is it ultimately both disrespectful and unproductive, but it almost certainly isn’t going to yield the outcome you want — no matter how good your intentions may be. 

The way I see it, when you force people to change one of three outcomes will occur:

(i) They won’t change and you’ll be disappointed

(ii) They will change but also become resentful

(iii) They will change but lose who they are in the process 

None of those options are favorable. 

It was time to let my aspirations of becoming a benevolent change-maker go. 

1. Making myself small 

Some previous-relationship-baggage definitely played a role in this one. 

I have a hard time even admitting to myself when things aren’t working for me. 

It’s like I try to take up as little space in the relationship as possible — at least when it comes to advocating for my needs and wants. 

“Don’t cause trouble and he won’t leave,” is the mantra I’ve told myself for so long that I’m trying hard to break. 

This — trust me — doesn’t work. When small problems fester, they become bigger problems 100% of the time. 

Leaving hurtful things unaddressed consistently led to resentment, bitterness, and ultimately contributed to a souring mood on my end that dampened the glow of our relationship. 

Letting go of the notion of being small and instead working on voicing the hard stuff has been one of the best gifts I could give our relationship. 

Onwards and upwards from here ♥️