3 Tactics to Improve Communication in Relationships

Relationships are hard. 

They’re complicated, finicky, and require constant recalibration. 

While I may not have a lifetime of wisdom behind me, it seems safe to say that healthy communication is one of the big secrets to success. According to the online relationship therapy platform Regain, 67.5% (just over two-thirds) of divorces cited failure to communicate effectively as the number one reason for the fall-out.

And what I’ve discovered over the last year-and-change is that communication isn’t just about being vulnerable and talking more. These facets are obviously important, but the “when” and “how” of it are, in some ways, just as important. 

This is a phenomenon my partner and I know well. We noticed that, despite a level of comfort that allowed each of us to speak relatively freely – the checkmark that we naively assumed would guarantee effective conflict resolution –  difficult conversations were still going sideways often.  

We’ve gone through a lot of trial and error in an effort to resolve this dynamic. And while many, many, many ingredients need to conspire to achieve healthy communication (something we’re getting better at every day, but still working on) these three tactics stood out as being particularly helpful. 

#1: Support or problem-solving?

Every partnership is unique, of course, but each tends to have one partner that gravitates towards problem-solving (typically males in a heterosexual relationship) and the other towards emotional support and connection (typically females in a heterosexual relationship).

The truth is that we all need a little bit of both at times. But knowing when your partner wants support versus advice is crucial to successfully meet each other’s needs.

The simple practice of asking “would you like support or advice right now?” in times of stress, heightened emotions, etc. – and then sticking to the answer –  is a miracle worker. 

#2: Neutralizing the conversational ground

No one likes to be caught off guard. And, more importantly, when taken by surprise, we’re unlikely to respond to difficult circumstances in a calm and rational manner. 

That’s where having high-stakes conversations on “neutral” ground is key. 

We tend to initiate confrontation when we’re ready – meaning that we’ve had time to digest our ideas and think through our arguments. 

The problem is that our partner often won’t come to the table quite as ready, potentially leaving them feeling bombarded and ill-prepared. It’s like allowing one team to warm-up before the finals while the other was forced to play shortly after rolling out of bed, unfueled and dehydrated.

Cue unnecessary instability and defensiveness.

A quick antidote to this is planning a time to talk about challenges together. 

Last week, I was bothered that my boyfriend intended on spending New Year’s Eve, which also happens to be my birthday, with his family. In all honesty, I lashed out when I found out we wouldn’t be spending the evening together and we both got defensive. 

A few days later, however, we were able to revisit the conversation when neither of us were feeling emotional, and the result was a million times better – making me realize that if we’d simply set aside the time to discuss the subject at a later date, we could’ve avoided an unnecessary argument. 

#3: What did you hear?

We all have filters for each person in our lives, which just means that we label people based on various characteristics, and then our interpretation of everything they proceed to say becomes biased towards the label we’ve subconsciously attached to them. 

The thing is, the filters are always between us – every single thing that leaves another person’s mouth first passes through whatever filter we have for them before reaching our ears. 

The effect is that we hear something slightly different than what they actually said. 

For example, my filter for my boyfriend is that he avoids attachment (an assumption that became abundantly clear to me after dissecting the root cause of my overly emotional reactions to even the most neutral comments that he expressed). 

So, when we talk about particularly sensitive subjects, I tend to perceive everything he says as a jab specifically designed to create distance between us.

As you can imagine, this suspicion leads me to get disproportionately hurt and defensive by potentially innocent remarks. 

Now, the trick here isn’t to resist the filter, but instead accept and acknowledge which ones we have for different people so that we can keep our gut reactions in check. 

That’s where “what did you hear?” comes in.

The simple practice of my partner asking me to lay out what he actually said versus what I perceived that then caused an emotional reaction forces me to acknowledge my filter (and it may even help you identify your filters if they aren’t already clear to you). And it disarms its power, too. 

It sounds silly but this phenomenon is exceptionally common: “When you canceled dinner I was upset because I felt that meant that you didn’t want to hang out with me. But that’s not what happened; you just canceled dinner.” 

Game-changing.