3 Better-Late-Than-Never Lessons

Hard times are hard. 

The only thing that makes them bearable is knowing that you'll come out the other side with some valuable lessons learned.

I've been lucky enough to learn and reflect on many such lessons this year—three of which stand out.

And the important thing? I know I won’t need to be taught these twice.

1. Don’t fight for anyone who won’t fight for you 

Love isn’t easy. 

Figuring out how to co-create a fulfilling life with another human being who has distinct goals, desires, and emotions from your own is hard flippin’ work. 

Because of the challenging nature of love, it takes two people who are willing to show up and fight for each other every damn day. It requires the practice of choosing each other over and over again. 

If one person is doing the heavy lifting to build, develop, or save the relationship, it’s not fair and it probably won’t work. If one person is holding on for dear life because they’re worried the other one will flee from their grip if they don’t, the “holder” will never feel chosen. 

As someone who loves so deeply, I understand the pain of fighting for someone who isn’t willing to fight for you back. And I understand how hard it is to walk away. 

But, to get the relationship you deserve, you have to.

2. Love comes first; then growth 

We all want the best for the people we love—especially our partners. 

Why? Because we are painfully aware of what they are capable of achieving. We can practically see the things they could accomplish, the lives they could change, and the growth they could accumulate if only they stretched themselves just a little bit more.

But we have to be proud and accepting of where they are now. Without love and acceptance, that well-meaning encouragement often ends up turning sour. 

I had this experience in my most recent partnership. I valued his ability to motivate me and wanted so badly to live up to the vision he had for me. But I never felt fully chosen by him as-is.

The result was that I got caught in an almost-good-enough loop. I deluded myself into believing that if I just kept pushing myself, growing, and adding value to his life, I could win the love and acceptance I so desperately craved.

The result? Part of my light got extinguished and I actually had a harder time moving forward. 

3. Your body knows best

It’s easy for us to trick our own minds into believing we are feeling a certain way, but it’s a lot harder to trick our bodies. 

For the last few months of my relationship, I kept telling myself that I was in love and happy. 

I’d put on a big smile whenever anyone asked how things were. I made plans with him for months in advance. I allowed myself to picture the life we could continue to build together. 

But I had this horrible pit in my stomach that I couldn’t shake. 

I didn’t get it. “Why doesn’t my body understand that everything is great?” is a thought I had on a semi-regular basis. 

With the benefit of hindsight, it seems obvious that I didn’t feel great because things weren’t great. As lovely as he is, he was never the right person for me. My body knew that, even if I was trying to convince myself otherwise. 

What I was experiencing was a watered-down version of a common disconnection between mind and body that is outlined in Bessel Van Der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score. 

Van Der Kolk wrote of his trauma patients: 

A good reminder to listen to your gut.